1. You have been seen talking to cats. They talk back, and you know what they are saying

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1. You have been seen talking to cats. They talk back, and you know what they are saying.

2. When asked if you believe in God, you ask "Which one?"

3. You know what widdershins means, and you apply it.

4. You know that there are exception to the laws of physics----you've caused them.

5. On Halloween you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers by.

6. You have friends that say they are fairies and you don't automatically think they mean gay.

7. Upon dying, you first thought is "Oh shit, not again".

8. You know that Gaia is not the lady on Captain Planet.

9. In religion 101, you are dissapointed because they didn't cover your gods.

10. You have been seen talking to trees.

11. You believe that Dragons and Leprechauns exist-----you've seen them.

12. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around bonfires sounds like large amounts of fun.

13. Your children go aroung telling people that "The Goddess > Loves you".

14. You are reading this page. You understand what > it's talking about. You have more to add.

You might be giving

Pagans a bad name if......

(One point for each unless otherwise indicated)

1) You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd sue for religious harrassment.
(Score double for this if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")

2) You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

3) You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

4) You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

5) You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to Get Lives.

6) You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

7) You've ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

8) You've suddenly realised in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

9) You've failed to realise at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

10) You've suddenly realised that you ARE playing D&D.

11) Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade with notes in the margins.

12) You've ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.

13) You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them)

14) You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight and escaped) (Score triple if it was no contest)

15) You own a ceremonial bong.

16) You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.

17) You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.

18) You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

19) You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damn good and well they haven't read it either.

20) You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

21) Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)

22) You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

23) You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)

24) Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.

25) You've ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (score double if you did it more than once.)

26) You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick-up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)

27) You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.

28) You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch about working Christmas.

29) The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.

30) You strip in a club like the one in Porky's under your craft name, and consider it highly appropriate.

31) You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

32) You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of it.

33) You claim yourself as a witch because of how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such. Of whom nobody has heard.

34) You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

35) You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your German parents) were Native American or Irish.

36) You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and you alternately claim to be either.

37) You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damnit, they're IRISH.

38) You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

39) You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.

40) You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's right about those other folks.
(the higher the score, of course, the greater the likelyhood that...)


10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?

9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?

8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?

7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?

6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.

5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?

4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?

3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.

2. Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long.

And the Number One Cheezy Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Beltane Gatherings is:

1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


WWAD? (A= Artemis) Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking hounds.

WWAD? (A= Athena) Stare him down (then beat the crap out of them...in a > logical manner.)

WWAD? (A= Apollo) Test their musical skills...in a fair contest.

WWAD? (A= Aphrodite) Don't you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?

WWAD? (A= Astarte) Make love AND war.

WWBD? (B= Bacchus) Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.

WWBD? (B= Britannia) Rule!

WWBD? (B= Buddha) Does it matter? If you are enlightened it doesn't. If you are not enlightened it still doesn't.

WWCD? (C= Ceres) Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.

WWCD? (C= Ceridwen) Stir it up one more time.

WWCD? (C= Chaos) No one is quite sure...but it will be messy and...interesting.

WWCD? (C= Cthulu) Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.

WWDD? (D= Demeter) Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by 10 PM! (And don't even THINK of laying a hand on her!)

WWDD? (D= Discordia) Here...have an apple...IF you are the fairest!

WWED? (E= Ereshkigal) Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.

WWTED? (TE= The Elueusinians) It's a mystery!

WWFD? (F= Flora) Say it with flowers.

WWFD? (F= Fortuna) Play the lottery.

WWGD? (G= Gaia) Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.

WWGD? (G= Ganesha) Saddle up his rat.

WWHD? (H= Hades) Tell them to go to Hell.

WWHD? (H= Hecate) Show them the right path...or is it the left?

WWHD? (H= Hera) She'd get jealous.

WWHD? (H= Hercules) He'd labor to come up with an answer.

WWHD? (H= Herne) Lead them on a Wild Hunt!

WWJD? (J= Janus) Look the other way.

WWJD? (J= Jupiter) Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.

WWKD? (K= Kali) Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood and dance on their trembling corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.

WWKD? (K= Kwan Yin) Show them some mercy.

WWLD? (L= Loki) Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a seal, & steal some apples. For starters.

WWLD? (L= Luna) Moon them!

WWMD? (M= Mithras) Cut the bull!

WWMD? (M= Mars) Suit up for battle.

WWMD? (M= Mercury) Change his mind... again.

WWND? (N= Narcissus) Huh? Is there someone else here?

WWPD? (P= Pan) Tell them to pipe down or f*** off.

WWPD? (P= Pluto) Hump Minnie's leg.

WWPD? (P= Priapus) Rise to the occasion.

WWQD? (Q= Q of course!) Demand that they explain themselves!

WWSD? (S= Sekhmet) Drown her sorrows in blood.

WWSD? (S= Set) You don't want to know, but it won't be nice.

WWSD? (S= Shiva) Smoke some weed and dance the night away.

WWTD? (T= Thor) Hammer it out.

WWVD? (V= Vesta) Keep the home fires burning.

WWVD? (V= Vulcan) Live long and prosper.

WWYD? (Y= Yahweh) "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!"

WWZD? (Z= Zeus) By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!


1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.

2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.

3. Rearrange their altar.

4. Clean their "tools."

5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain......you never understood that dumb card game.....

6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what they're doing.

7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.

8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.

9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.

10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.

12. Explain how adding "An' it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.

13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.

14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.

15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.

16. Recite good poetry during ritual.

17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.

18. Tell the Goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.

19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it?...oh yeah, "The Craft!"

20. When they start talking about "The Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.

21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.

22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "An' it harm none" bit.

23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.

24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.

25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.

26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bear a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.

27. Half way through a ritual, ask the High Priestess to wake you when the sex starts...

28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.

29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.

30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.

31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad';

32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three;

33. Men - wear amber and jet;

(This is kind of an obscure reference that neither I nor a few others on alt.wicca.moderated got either. Someone explained that in traditional Wicca, only the High Priestess is allowed to wear amber and jet.)

34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.

35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.

36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.

37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.

36. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...

37. Put fire wood around the maypole.

38. Play poker with their tarot cards.

39. Give them a Bible to read.

40. Substitute their white candles for black ones, or blow their candles out rather than snuffing them out.

41. Ask them if you they can cast a love spell for you. (This really pisses them off).

42. Start discussing taboo subjects such as "The Wicker Man" and "The Corn King"

43. Ask them if they've ever tuned anyone into a toad.

44. Cross-post this list to alt.religion.wicca every time it is requested.

Pagan Afterlife

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path, which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.

While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revellers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter.

"Who are those people?" she asked.

St. Peter replied, "Them? They are fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They are actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks!"


The new priest was so nervous he couldn't speak. Before his second appearance on the pulpit, he asked the monsignor "How can I relax up on the altar?" The monsignor told him to put some vodka in the water and sip it and everything will go smoothly. The next sermon, he felt great! When he returned to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor which read:

1. Next time sip not gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big-T."

5. Grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub thanks for the grub ~ yeah God.

6. David slew Goliath - he did not kick the shit out of him.

7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ as J.C. and the Boys.

8. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

9. It's always "The Virgin Mary" not Mary with the cherry.

10. And last, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Letter to Pagan Parents

by Ld Obyron Irondrake on 8/18/99

(A spoof of a letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents)

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,

Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

A Pagan In Hell

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some
pearly gates.

St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for

"What should I do now?" the Pagan asks.

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to
hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in
and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks
on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks
up to him and bows politely.

"Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you
a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing.
There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting
grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly
underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured
souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't
have it any other way."

Pagan/Wiccan Light Bulb Jokes

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?

501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

* * *

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

What do you want it changed into?

* * *

How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.

* * *

How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they do it in Great Rites.

* * *

How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but they have to be very small!

* * *

How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

* * *

How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

* * *

How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A blue fish Tueday.

* * *

How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many have we got?"

* * *

How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2-One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east german machine tools.(this one also works with any variation on How many surreliests..)

* * *

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One for each direction.

* * *

How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.

* * *

How many Proteans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many will fit?

* * *

How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

* * *

How many Seax Wicca witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

* * *

How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.

* * *

How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.

* * *

How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?

(If they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

* * *

How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?

Already changed.

* * *

How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

* * *

How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?

(Any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwords...

* * *

How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.

* * *

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Candle light was good enough for grandma, it's good enough for me!

* * *

How many Brit Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?

13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

* * *

How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?

(In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...Initiate?"

* * *

How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a third degree secret.

* * *

How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?

A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.

* * *

How may light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian?

None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!

* * *

How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

* * *

How many years does it take an Alexandrian witch to change a light bulb?

That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.

* * *

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!

* * *

How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?

None; real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark!

* * *

How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?

Six; one to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

* * *

How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?

None; they shapeshift into a cat or a bat, and can see in the dark.

* * *

How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,331 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list

Top 10 Signs You're Facing a "Wannabe"

10. "I learned how to make a stoplight change!"

9. "Can you teach me how to make a raincloud come around?"

8. "Well, I saw this really cool Ricky Lake show..."

7. "I'm a natural witch!"

6. "What do you mean that I'm not in ceremonial clothing?"

5. "You mean that you don't have a familiar?"

4. "I studied the Necronomicon. It was pretty cool, sitting right.... there in Waldenbooks. I just had to summon Cthulu!"

3. "I sometimes hear voices in my head... They tell me that the ......Goddess is watching me and that my parents are the freaks."

2. "I'm an expert in the field of..."

and the #1 way to tell it's a wannabe-

1. "I'm a warlock!"

Raven's Rules for (Very) Proper Pagans:

(1) Keep your pinky straight when holding the chalice.

(2) Pass the serving dishes (and salt, pepper, etc.) deosil, not widdershins.

(3) Do NOT butter bread (cut meat, etc.) with the athame! (Use the bolline.)

(4) Ask the altar's owner before using it as a cutting board.

(5) Do NOT hog all the cakes and ale for yourself; share nicely.

(6) When invoking, issue kind invitations, rather than summary commands.

(7) Do NOT invoke storm gods during an outdoor picnic.

(8) If you violate (7), prepare to volunteer as the lightning rod.

(9) Following your True Will does not require trampling on other people's.

(10) Always be polite: saying "please" and "thank you" is as important during an orgy as at any other time; put your weight on your elbows.

Dec. 20, 2001

Dear Holly King,

We regret to inform you that your request for an extended lease on your present living quarters has been once again denied, and you are therefore required to vacate the premises by December 21 at the latest. We here at Celestial Machineworks, Inc., extend our sympathies regarding your kingdom's recent takeover by the Oak King; however, if we may be frank, doesn't getting kicked in the ass by your brother, every single year since the beginning of time, get old after a while?

Please be prompt in moving your personal property so that the Touch-up Crew can ready the place for the new occupant. We regret having to be so pushy in this matter, but you know how the Big Lady gets if things fall behind schedule. We appreciate your business, and we hope that when you visit this part of town again, you'll remember our service and choose Planet Earth as your home away from home. Oh, and if you happen to pass by Hades on your way out, tell him [Demeter sends her curses and swears this time she's going to kill you when you come back out again./Persephone left her hairbrush in the bathroom, will you hold onto it for her?]


[Signature] for Celestial Machineworks, Inc.

P. S. Enjoy your summer vacation in Australia.

cc: Oak King Form Letter 517-HORN(a)

The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual of the Sequined Pentagram

The purpose of this ritual is clear the area of all Elvis-negative influences. This includes all that not patriotic and all that is not of White Trash at heart.

Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we shall call this East.

1: Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight descending upon you.

2: Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning: LOVE ME

3: Point downward, hand over... personal privates... , intoning: TENDER

4: Point to right shoulder. LOVE ME

5: Point to left shoulder. TRUE This is the Holy Cross of Elvis. Conclude by saying: "Uh-huh".

6: Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram in the air. Be sure to visualize the light reflecting off of the shimmering sequins. Intone: Ehhhh

7: Repeat step six to the south. Intone: Lllll

8: To the west, intone: Vihhhhh

9: To the north, intone: ssssss Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circle connecting each pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight. Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy Vegas Light. Face Graceland.

10: Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis Potential. This is the Elvis of Air. Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfill your potential. Be present with me today.

11: Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom. This is the Elvis of Water. Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men. Fulfill that Potential. Be with me today.

12: To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively. This is the Elvis of Fire. Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.

13: To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth. Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me today.

Repeat the Holy Cross of Elvis. Thus ends the Ritual.

This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand Dagger, an Elvis "45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalice). May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you. Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.

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