1. You have been seen talking to cats. They talk back, and you know what they are saying




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Tigger's Full Moon Ritual 

 

Under the bright full moon, in the grove at the center of the Hundred Acre Wood, the celebrants come together. Pooh, as summoner, bids them to enter into the sacred pace. One by one, they file in and take their places around the fire. And they wait, and wait and wait, and wait.

"Oh Bother!" says Pooh. "Our High Priest is not here. However can we hold our ritual tonight?"

And they wait some more. Then they hear a crash, and a crash and a crash and a crash, and out of the brush explodes the High Priest. "Wooohooohooohooo!!! Never fear! The night is clear, and Tigger's here! Tiggers run on Pagan Standard time you know! Now let the ritual begin!!!"

He looks to his left, and takes rabbits hand. "Hand to hand this circle is cast"

Rabbit turns to his left, to Owl. "Hand to hand, this circle is cast"

Owl turns, and reaches down to Piglet. "Ahem. Now from hand to hand, in a most wonderous way, a way that has a history that stretches back into the dawn of time, to when ..."

*a series of coughs from the group*

"Oh yes. To you Piglet, hand to hand the circle is cast".

Piglet turns to Eyore. "Hand to...uh....er...em."

Eyore: "I don't have any hands. I guess I'm messing things up once again" he pouts

Piglet, tho he is a little fellow, feels up to any challenge. "W w w w w well then, hand to ear the circle is cast my friend".

And so, on it goes. "Woohoohoohoo" says Tigger. "The circle is cast, our sacred space is whole. So Mote it Be!! Whoohoo!!"

"So Mote it Be" reply the others.

"And now, why don't we invite the elements to join us in our celebration tonight? Rabbit?"

Rabbit: Guardians of the North, Element of Earth, wonderful earth that gives forth carrots, oh beauteous, joyous, wonderful carrots, I invite you to join us in our celebration tonight. Hail, and Welcome"

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Owl: "Ahem!!! Guardians of the East, Element of Air, the spirit of our intelligence and wisdom, of which I of course am a prime example, well read and studious as I am, a font of knowledge as it were, the source for any information you may need, the..."

*coughing from the group once more*

"Ahem, er, yes, Element of Air, we invite you to join us tonight. Hail and Welcome".

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Piglet: "G g g guardians of the South, Element of Fire, I invite you to join us tonight. I know I'm a little Piglet, but I have a b b b big voice, and an even b b b bigger heart, s s so I know you' will hear m m m me. H h h h hail and Welcome"

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Eyore: " Oh. I guess it's my turn. Not that anyone would really listen to me, but it's my job so I'll do it. Guardians of the West, Element of Water, I suppose I should ask you to join us tonight. And I'll probably get all wet, and have to walk around all night, smelling like wet fur. Oh well, Hail and Welcome I suppose".

"Hail and Welcome repeats the group.

"Woohoohoohoo!!! Now, if our sister Kanga can call upon the lady?"

Kanga: "Blessed Lady, Goddess of the moonlight, Mother of us all who keeps us as Joeys in the pouch of her world. Oh, now Roo, you mustn't do that. You mustn't play with the cleansing oil like that.

"But Mama......"

"Now Roo, behave. Thank you. Now, Blessed Mother, you know what children are like, so I'll just go ahead and invite you to join with us and lend your spirit to this joyous night. Hail and Welcome".

"Woohoohoohoo!!!. The circle is cast. The Lady is with us. Aint it just grand?"

Tigger raises his arms to the sky, and starts to twirl, and starts to bounce, and twirls and bounces, twirls and bounces, deosil around the circle.

"Woohoohoohoo. The wonderful thing about witches, is witches is wonderful things. They dance, they prance, they clap and sing. They live a life of joy, peace and fun. But, the most wonderful thing about witches is...I AINT the only one. 

The wonderful thing about witches, is witches is wonderful folks. They're serious when needed, but always quick with jokes. They honor the Lord, they honor the lady. They love to lay in a field and bask in the sun, or under a tree where it's shady. But, the most wonderful thing about witches is, I AINT the only one.

The wonderful thing about Witches, is Witches have wonderful souls. Their hearts will swell, they make folks well, and around campfires, stories tell. They're happy, clappy, sometimes sappy, and when they don't ground right, they're often zappy, but the most wonderful thing about Witches is........I....AINT....The.....Only.....One. Woohoohoohoohoo. Blessed Be!"

"Blessed Be" repeats the group.

"Oh, bother" says Pooh. "That is so silly. This is a ritual. I don't think we're supposed to be silly, are we?"

"Au contraire my dear Pooh. Whoooohoooo!!!. We are willy nilly, and silly, but we are celebrating the joy in our hearts, the zest for life that we have, the energy that we share. We heal our souls with happy fun, we set our spirits free to run, we live the beauty of the moon and sun. We're Witches you know. hehe hehe. Now, please bring forth the bread, wine and honey so we can complete our blessed night".

"Oh, Bother says Pooh. "The honey jar seems to be empty. I know there was some here, when I checked its taste before ritual. Where ever could it have gone? I guess I've ruined the ritual now. Oh bother, Oh whoa".

"Woohoohoohoo, Christopher Robin is right you know, you really ARE a silly old bear. We're together, with each other and with the Lady. Honey would be nice I'm sure, but our ritual was good and lovely and pure. Perhaps next time tho, you could bring two jars? Woohoohoohoo!!! Now, take this cup, and take this bread, and with all being done and said, we are sisters and brothers, from last to first. May you never hunger, may you never thirst. Woohoohoohoo!!!"

And so the cup is passed, and the bread to share, and not one thought given to a worldly care.

"Woohoohoohoo!!! And now, let us end our Full Moon Ritual. Kanga?"

Kanga: "Thank you Tigger, and for behaving yourself, thank you Roo".

"Oh, Mama!!"

Kanga: "Blessed Lady, we thank you for your presence with us tonight, tho like the good Mother you are, you are always with us, at least in our hearts. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Eyore: "Well, Water, I didn't think you'd come, but I guess it's nice that you did. Go if you must, and you probably will, stay if you want to. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Piglet: Element of Fire, I kn kn knew you would listen to my c c c call. Thank you for c c c coming. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Owl: "Ahem!! Element of Air, I knew that you would come, as I'm wont to know so many things, but I thank you none the less. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Rabbit: "Element of Earth, provider or carrots and cabbages and many great thing, I thank you for coming tonight. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

"Woohoohoohoo. Just one more thing to do!! As hand to hand the circle was cast, or hand to ear, or ear to hand, or from me to you and you to me, it's time from hand to hand the circle set free". Tigger turns to Pooh. "Hand to hand, the circle is opened". And so in Widdershins, on it goes. "Woohoohoohoo, and now we're thru. Unlike my furniture, and many other things as well, the circle is open, yet never broken. So Mote It Be!!!"

"So Mote It Be!!!" shouts the group.

Tigger starts to bounce, the others to smile and look about. "Now, music laughter and dance, this is it, this is your chance. Tiggers are excellent drummers you know. Woohoohoohoo!!!!"

And the sounds of drumbeats and laughter are heard all thru the night and all thru the Hundred Acre Wood.


The Pope's Bad News



Bishop to Pope. "I have good news and bad news."

Pope "What's the good news?

Bishop "God is Alive."

Pope "That's very good news, what's the bad news?"

Bishop "She is dancing with the Witches at Fort Hood."


101 Things I Like About Paganism

By Keitha (FireWind)

101. You can make your own religion
100. There are no inflexible rules
99. No ultimate evil
98. You can write your own rituals
97. We appreciate each other
96. Pagans know: To be alone is not always to be lonely
95. Acceptance of the unexplained rather than fear
94. Most of the negative things said about us aren't true
93. Some of the negative things are
92. Bowing to the masses gives you a heavy heart and a bad back
91. Paganism doesn't make you feel guilty
90. There are more Pagans in the world than you usually think
89. There is respect for otherwise ignored groups
88. Don't hurt anybody: do whatever you want
87. You know another Pagan usually before anything is said
86. No-one is better than anyone else
85. Pagans generally debate, not fight
84. Paganism accepts you no matter your sexual orientation
83. Paganism accepts you no matter your race
82. Paganism accepts you no matter what
81. There is an understanding of the personal need for growth
80. At last there is a warm place for all us geeks ;)
79. Even Pagans aren't quite sure where our beliefs come from
78. If bad things happen, it might not be soley your fault
77. Pagans understand the importance of tolerance
76. Pagans understand that Respect is not debasement
75. True power comes from the love within
74. Celebrating by candlelight invokes a mystical atmosphere
73. Dancing to drums is instinctive
72. Symbolism speaks to the deeper parts of ourselves
71. I've never seen a Pagan base self-worth on a pair of jeans
70. No fear of an invisible enemy with a satirical streak
69. No one demands you give up your possessions
68. Paganism lets you be yourself, no matter what
67. Opening your eyes to a world you never realized was there
66. Connection to a higher force without losing yourself
65. Music speaks to the soul
64. Pagans are responsible people
63. We don't blame invisible entities for our problems
62. To the best of our ability, we control our own fate
61. Age is wisdom, not uselessness
60. No one is judging you
59. No one really expects you to wait until you're married
58. A strong woman is not a Bitch, she is a Woman
57. You don't have to believe words written 2k years ago
...under mysterious circumstances
56. It's easy to believe words you wrote yourself
55. You don't have to be beautiful to be worth something
54. You are beautiful
53. Pagans are generally well-read people
52. Paganism teaches you to trust yourself
51. The innocence of a child is valued for what it can teach us
50. Love everyone, unless they are bent on harm
49. The human body is beautiful; an instrument of pleasure
48. Dance expresses the Goddess in all of us
47. Pagans make up their own minds: no belief at par
46. Everything in nature is the manifestation of Deity
45. Self expression is beautiful
44. Pagans know that anger is useful, not 'evil'
43. I've never seen a Pagan burn a book
42. Pagans take care of themselves
41. Pagans take care of others
40. No-one asks you to enslave yourself to a higher force
39. No-one tells you what to do at all
38. There are high expectations of Pagan behaviour
37. Pagans aren't afraid to cross the line in personal thought
36. Pagans understand the dangers of Church and State
35. Herbs and natural remedies are generally preferred
34. Admit it: it's a bit nice to know things that others don't
33. There is no Army of 'Pagan Soldiers'
32. Pagans have a small idea of what prejudice might be
31. Priests and Priestesses can marry
30. Rituals are beautiful and moving
29. We can help our gardens grow
28. There are powerful female role models
27. Chanting eases the heart
26. You don't have to 'Worship' as in debasing yourself
25. Women's issues are treated as valid and equal
24. You'll never see a Pagan hassling non-Pagans to join
23. We are moved by deep emotion to care for others
22. It takes a lot of knowledge to be Pagan
21. The trees speak to us in the wind
20. Magick is practical and real
19. You can mix-and-match religions to reflect yourself
18. You don't fall asleep during ritual
17. You can believe in whatever deity you choose
16. Access to the Priesthood open to all
15. You can believe whatever you want to
14. You don't have to 'obey your husband'
13. You don't have to vent your steamy tales to a jealous man.
12. Pagans are Socially conscious
11. Celebrating outside is almost painfully beautiful
10. No Hierarchy
9. Pagans don't demand to be right
8. No Prosthletizing
7. Balance b/w Masculine and Feminine
6. Rituals are practical and apply to real life
5. I can feel the Goddess in everything I do
4. Pagans love the Earth
3. Women are Fully Equal with Men
2. Open-mindedness

And the #1 reason I love Paganism?...

1. You're Allowed to Have Sex!


How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?

  1. Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!

  2. You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.

  3. All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.

  4. A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.

  5. Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!

  6. The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.

  7. Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.

  8. Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!

  9. Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!

  10. S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!

  11. S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.

  12. When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.

  13. Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...

  14. Keeps the local candle shop solvent.

  15. Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.

  16. S/he's always smiling peacefully!

  17. Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!

  18. Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.

  19. Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.

  20. Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".

  21. Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!

  22. At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.

  23. Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.

  24. Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...

  25. You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?

  26. You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.

  27. S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...

  28. You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...

  29. Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.

  30. Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.

  31. Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.

  32. Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.

  33. Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.

  34. Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.

  35. You catch him/her hugging a tree.

  36. Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.

  37. Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.

  38. The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.

  39. Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.

  40. To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.

  41. You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.

  42. You've never known him/her to go to a physician.

  43. When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.

  44. Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.

  45. You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.

  46. S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!

  47. When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.

  48. There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.

  49. Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".

  50. Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!

Score:
1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!


 

(Unkown)


A Christians views on the evils of Paganism....(Humorous)

 

Like all good Christians, I have been following the recent exchanges over the obvious existence of God, the insidious Harry Potter and the ever popular debate on whether or not gays will burn for all eternity in a well-deserved hell. Yet, there are other equally reprehensible practices and traditions present in our society that have somehow become acceptable, but represent a real threat to the Christian Ideals and way of life. Below is a list of the most harmful and threatening ones to our way of life.


Santa Claus

He wears red and his name is an anagram for Satan, too much of a coincidence. And let’s not forget that the man employs elves and rides enchanted reindeer.

Obvious proof of black magic.

Christmas Trees

Decorating a tree during the winter solstice is a Pagan ritual that pre-dated Christianity in Europe. Every year, there are those among us that take great pride in worshipping the beauty of an adorned tree in direct contradiction to the second commandment in reference to raising false idols.

Christmas trees should be banned.

 The Easter Bunny 

Another pagan myth wholeheartedly embraced by the Christian world and celebrated in concurrence with the resurrection of Christ. The fact that a rabbit, an animal known for it’s unrestrained and frequent mating habits is distributing chocolate, a known aphrodisiac, to our young, is symbolic of the animalistic and lustful rites of spring that would see our children coupling in a most degrading manner.

The Easter Bunny is the devil’s henchman.

 St. Valentine’s Day

Cupid isn’t an angel, he’s the latest incarnation of Pan, the horned, half-man half-goat Greek god, who would traipse around the countryside playing his flute causing all within earshot to become sexually aroused and submit to frenzied coupling at that very moment. It’s evil, evil I say!

Television Psychics

Reading their tarot cards, divining with Ouija boards and begging you to call them, these women and the Psychic Friends network are dangerous witches.

Only true, trained and licensed men of God are equipped to have visions and then only if they foretell certain doom to the unrepentant.

 Condoms

There is no need for these sinful and disgusting devices. The act of sexual intercourse should be undertaken only by married couples.

And then only for procreation, never pleasure.

All Other Religions

While we in are generally secure in our Christian society, there are unbelievers who seek to undermine our way of life.

Fellow Christians these are but a few of the accepted evils that are entrenched in our society, and we must forcibly remove these offensive trends, crush them underfoot, tear them asunder, stamp them out entirely, attack the very root so that we may live in peace.

 

(Unknown)


The Pagan Televangelist

 

Howdy folks. I'm Billy Bob DreamDancer, and I'd like to invite ya'll to join me and my lovely wife Tammy Faye Moonbeam when we present our new spiritual TV show, the 3Fold Club.

We will be premiering Thursday night, August 24th at 8:00 PST on UPN 666. Join in song with us as our chorus of skyclad priestess initiates thrills you with plagiarized Christian tunes, set forth in pagan words.

Share the joy as I heal the sick, right before your very eyes, as a 57th degree Reiki practitioner, not some plebeian (*cough*real* couch*) 3rd degree so called Master. Can I have a Blessed Be brothers and sisters!!!!!

As a special introductory offer, Christians are welcome to join us and have their souls saved by our special guest Jesus (Hernandez) in a show of interfaith unity. So Mote it be!!!!

Now, I must ask your help in this brothers and sisters. The Lady told me in a dream last week, that She would call me home to the Summerlands if I don't raise the collective consciousness, in the amount of $10 million. Help me to help you!!!

Besides, Tammy Faye Moonbeam needs your support too. She spends hundreds of dollars each and every day on Henna. It's an addiction, so says the Shamanistic Healers at the Betty Ford Clinic. Please send cash as our Lady does not want us to detract from our spiritual path by worrying about checks and book keeping.

I'd also like to extend an invitation to you to come on down and join us at our new religious theme park, WiccanWorld. Take a ride on our Sacred Space roller coaster, the tallest in North America. Thrill yourself when you ride our Wheel of the Year over 150 feet into the air. Try to hold onto your seats as you experience the Spiral Dance bobsled ride.

If you'd like advance registration or would like to purchase tickets to our show, please send cash only to:

Billy Bob DreamDancer
1313 Oppossumtown Road, trailer lot #13(see, our lucky number!!)
Mahsistersmahwife,NC 60606

Don't worry about filling out any forms when you send your cash. I'm a Natural Witch, and I'll know all about you just by psychically feeling your envelope.

Amen and Blessed Be!!!

(Unknown)


Humorous Look at the Wheel of the Year
by Perseus

Yule (Winter Solstice) 21 December
Longest night of the year, various methods of celebrating, most involve some form of lights (sometimes affixed to an obvious phallic symbol like, oh, a fir tree) which are employed in an act of sympathetic magick to encourage/welcome the return/rebirth of the sun/son. A major female deity gives birth to (insert name of preferred solar deity here). There is much rejoicing and praise unto Him while Her husband, the God of the Old Year who, dressed in a tacky red suit trimmed with rabbit fur, watches and packs Her an overnight bag in anticipation of Her departure.

Celebrants light candles (indoors), ignite bonfires (outdoors mostly), drink to excess, sing carols, remove clothes, sing dirty carols, engage in group sex, drink some more, vomit copiously, have more sex, exchange gifts, have one more drink/boink for the road and return home.

Imbolc (Groundhog Day/Candlemas) 2 February
More lights, however by this time we're pretty sure the days are getting longer so we can throttle back on the pleas for Apollo/Ra/Lugh/Baldur to return. Celebrants hold aloft individual candles intended to symbolically light the ascent of the mother of the newborn solar deity as She returns to this plane of existence from the underworld bearing Her son/sun with Her, the end result resembling a Metallica concert. This is related to the weather prognosticating involved in the observance of emerging hibernating animals like the groundhog. Bears were ruled out as an appropriate animal for observance by trial and error and attrition of the bear watching advocates. Plenty of excessive drinking followed by group sex by those not immobilized by solidified candle wax drippings, more drinking followed by the projectile vomiting "Write your craft name in the snow" competition, scrape off remaining wax and whatever else has dried and caked to participants, a few more drinks and back home. (Bonfires are optional unless you insist on watching for a bear, in which case a bonfire is strongly advised).

Lupercalia (Valentine's Day) 15 February
(The 14th for Saint Valentine being a pre-emptive usurpation of the Roman Ides of February pre-spring fertility celebration. Not an actual Sabbat but still a sentimental favorite.) The wolves come down from the hills around Rome looking for a little nosh. Note that this is about two weeks after the Imbolc solar cross-quarter; if the groundhog didn't see it's shadow (and remained out) Winter ends here, if it did see it's shadow (and returned to it's lair to resume it's nap) Winter ends about six weeks later than Imbolc, at Ostaera, the next Sabbat. Those celebrants who consider themselves adventurous and hardy enough may wish to emulate a Roman tradition that makes the running of the bulls in Pamplona look like English high tea. Ready? After the usual excessive drinking, the attendant women strip naked (always a promising start) and are chased by men bearing flails, whips or strips of leather who "warm" the women's bottoms by vigorous application of those tools while chasing them. When the women decide their asses are sufficiently heated they are "caught" by the pursuing men who apply the pre-warmed bottoms to the ground to "break the ice", sometimes literally, and thus prepare the ground for ploughing, both human and agricultural. All women's secretions are allowed to drip directly onto the ground further preparing the ground for planting, this is the woman's precious bodily fluid contribution mirrored by the God's blood at a Sabbat to be discussed later.


Ostaera (Spring Equinox) 21 March


Probably named after a Goddess whose name translates literally as "Easy lay, easy May", a reference to and reminder of the importance of the next Sabbat which is actually concerned with sex, unlike the previous ones in which sex is a (welcome) bonus and potential life saver in the colder climates. The baby born at Yule here ages to childhood and the major female deity absorbs His youthful energy to grow younger, back to childhood; they then play "Asclepius". Once again celebrants drink to excess, paint a few eggs (rebirth representation) with increasingly blatant yonic/phallic symbols, followed by more drinking, then paint a few hares/rabbits (fertility totem), boil the eggs and probably the rabbits too, what the hell, chow down on the eggs and rabbits since nobody remembered to pack a lunch, still more drinking followed by rabbit-fur-lined vomiting, group sex, lick rabbit grease out of the pot, more sex (any remaining rabbit grease at this point is given priority consideration as a sexual lubricant), a couple of more drinks, dress up in rabbit skins and back home.

Beltane (Walpurgisnacht/May Day) 30 April-1 May
"Hooray, hooray, the first of May, outdoor screwing starts today!" The Goddess and God who are at this point both of adolescent age actually get it on, after which they become betrothed. Celebrants erect large Maypole (get it?), half the dancers going deosil and half widdershins interweaving their hand-held ribbons until they clothe the pole in colorful array and the Maywreath, previously laid at the top, rides the ribbons down to the very base of the pole--as close as Pagans ever get to "safe sex". After which everybody attends the bonfires, usually two bonfires so you can pass through your livestock to be blessed by Prometheus/Ba'al/Wotan/Elvis but the really adventurous just build one big fire, or let the two smaller ones get out of hand until they become one big fire. Attendees then jump the fire (bare naked, as if I needed to mention), and preceded by the at this point mandatory excess drinking, there follows a MAJOR ORGY of the Mongolian Cluster-Fuck variety, wherein the bodies of the participants are so thoroughly entangled and interlocked that you can't tell who's doing what to whom and you couldn't care less and the vomiting is actually part of the gestalt and provides much needed lubrication. For many devout Pagans this is the most sacred day of the year.

Litha (Summer Solstice/Midsummer's Night) 21 June:


Longest day of the year. The young Sun God at His zenith, "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may". This is the marriage of the Goddess and Her incestuous consort who are both fully adult at this point and it turns out She's knocked-up anyway so He has to. This being a Pagan wedding celebration...well, you can just imagine the debauchery. Here is the origin of the "Honeymoon", where bride and groom stay plastered for a month (moon) on mead, a honey based wine. About this time the God of the Old Year has grown bored with the rather limited interpersonal interaction with ghosts in the underworld and bit parts in Ingmar Bergman films and so travels as a spirit to the womb of the pregnant major female deity and inhabits the unborn child, to be near His rejuvenated love.

Lammas (Somebody's day somewhere) 2 August
Sad day for the young God; having passed His prime last Sabbat at this first harvest of the grain festival the Goddess decides He is more useful as compost and fructifies the ground with His blood to ensure future abundant harvests. Several methods may be employed by Her, perhaps no Pagan method being quite as picturesque as a certain deity-specific version of being nailed to an uneven armed solar cross with blood running down the upright beam to the ground, but She gets the job done none the less. On this solemn occasion celebrants are expected to drink until they fall down in imitative honor of the dying God. Sex is for those still conscious or who at least had the foresight to pin "Do me anyway" notes to their beer and vomit drenched clothes.

Mabon (Autumn Equinox) 21 September
Preggers and alone, sure, NOW She misses Her slain lover/son and decides She cannot abide this world without Him. He, meanwhile, has found the abandoned throne in the Land of the Dead and is having a high old time trying on the crown which looks suspiciously like a pair of antlers and is getting horny...the God that is. Depending on whose press release you read the Goddess is abducted by the just-back-for-a-quick-one God
or She jumps onto His chariot and won't get off until He takes Her all the way down (get that one?). This harvest festival centers around grapes, so celebrants consume barrels of wine and each then take turns climbing into a barrel to play the traditional "Guess which orifice I've placed at the bunghole?" game. This Sabbat's accompanying lunar cycle is sometimes referred to as the "Keith Moon".

Samhain (All Hallows Eve) 31 October
The by this time big-as-a-house Goddess is crowned Queen of the Underworld. She and Her reunited and now mature King shoo all the souls out of their realm so they can have a little quality time together, which is why it gets so crowded up here around then. Ghosts, Goblins and Ghoolies come topside for a little R&R or just to wish that special someone good-bye, in their own inimitable fashion. Celebrants offer food and drink to the dead and attempt sex with any who posses sufficient ectoplasm to generate friction. A lovely time for all.

Yule (Again, to complete the circle)
The once young and vital Sun God becomes the God of the Old Year in His turn, and takes up sewing to pass the time. Since red is one of the few colors visible to the dead He makes Himself a red suit to keep them from bumping into Him during the long dark nights and trims it with some leftover rabbit fur. Waste not want not. He knows what's coming and packs a bag for His wife and new son to take on their journey back to the land of the living.



The "Lucky Charms" Connection

(author unknown)

Being a Wiccan, I'm required to be tolerant and non-judgmental. That's not just a rule. I take it to heart. So I often try to show the common ground different religions have -- most of the time our Christian brothers and sisters and us witchy folk. However, I have discovered something that may finally unite the world and it lies on the altar of your breakfast table!

Did you ever take a good look at your cereal? I mean a GOOD look. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I have good observational skills. As it happened, I was at the kitchen counter, munching on a bowl of one of my favorite glucose-fortified cereals, "Lucky Charms." You know the one, with the leprechaun and all those damn kids harassing him for his blue diamonds, pink hearts, and purples horseshoes, etc., etc. The marshmallows are the best part, but everyone ignores the importance of the oat byproduct that acts as the good-for-you counterpart in this heterogeneous mixture.

I suddenly became aware of the symbolic nature of the cereal. The marshmallows are all clearly pagan symbols. The green clovers! The yellow moons! It was all there! Talk about being "magically delicious!" But what of the crunchy stuff? "Holy (deleted)!" I exclaimed. They were none other than tiny crosses and what might have been the fish we always see on the rears of cars. It was both profound and a balanced breakfast. So what was it trying to say? My guess is that paganism is sweet and colorful, but taken by itself it will surely earn you a root canal.

Christianity, on the other hand, may be full of fiber, but it can get soggy fast and may cause abdominal distress. Therefore, like "Lucky Charms," pagans and Christians must co-exist in mutual support of each other. It's a small bowl after all!


Have they Lost Jesus Again?


So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A
carload of well meaning,
bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged  professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with
trembling voice, she asks...."Have you found Jesus?"
Her eyes plead with an  urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop. Now normally I just
politely decline the sermon, and free religious
paperwork that such folk  pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the  fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to
wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if it's not  Christians, it is the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can a simple Druidess get no  peace?

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic, I reply, "You people  lost him, again??"

The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and  she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I
might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going so I  launch into a speech of my own.

"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost  Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..."  I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have
anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks  desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help.... Undaunted I  press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people. I mean Muslims never seem
to loose their deity. Come to think of it neither do
Jews or Pagans of any  kind." I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize
you people used to burn people like me at the stake. What was that  about...deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up
panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where  they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breathe, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned  by my deity(ies). Of course, you Christians aren't much fun," I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words.
"Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He  could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly, He  was Jewish.So if you are really so eager to find him," I smile gently to  soften the blow, "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America... Where freedom of religion
means ALL religions."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus  stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't  found Jesus, but I
haven't lost him either:)

Someone sent this to you because they believe no one can have too much  Deity. It is a blessing in disguise. You can keep it to yourself or pass it
on. Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news  A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.


Pagan Olympics

 

 

Jewelry Walk

Wearing _all_ the ritual necklaces, rings, bracelets, tiaras, amulets, talismans, torques, garters, brooches, and dream bags they own, contestants must walk 10 feet without toppling. Physician's certification of fitness required.

 

Sabat Slalom

Each contestant drinks three quarts of wine in a smoke-filled room, then weaves through a course marked by lounging Pagans to reach the bathroom.

 

Great Rite Marathon

In a freshly plowed and sown field, teams perform the Rite until the first sprouts appear, achieving orgasm at that precise moment. Judging is based on originality, style, and endurance. Four divisions: Sapphic, Fairy Men's, Mixed, and Solitary.

 

Altar Cloth Toss

When cloths are ignited by a bumped candle, competitors must snatch them up, run up two flights of stairs, open a locked kitchen door and cast the cloth into a backyard. This is a relay event.

 

High Chant

Participants attempt to chant in tune with a High Priestess, who has pitched the sound too high for any ordinary man or adult woman to emulate. The event is closed to eunuchs and children.

 

Maypole Erection

Teams of male athletes encircle Maypoles lying on the ground. At the starting gun, they must simultaneously meditate on Aphrodite and achieve erection without use of hands or other external aids.


Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?

A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

 

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?

A: She wanted to channel.

 

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?

A: There's white-out on the floor


A young witch was sitting on a swing in her garden. She was favored by the Goddess, and had many conversations with her. On that bright and cheerful day, she said to the Goddess: "Dear beautiful and gracious Goddess, I have a silly question to ask of you.  In your perspective, how long is a thousand years?"  she asked. The goddess, who was completely surprised at this simple question considered it and then answered. "Well, in my perspective, a thousand years is a second." The young witch was completely baffled. "Wow, that is amazing.  Well Goddess, in your perspective, how much is a penny?" Again the Goddess thought and then replied: "In my perspective, a penny is a million dollars." The young witch was taken aback by this answer. "That is a lot. Ummm....Goddess, can I borrow a penny?" she asked. "Sure!  just a second!!"


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