1. You have been seen talking to cats. They talk back, and you know what they are saying




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Are You A Yuppie Pagan?


If you spell besom, "B - M - W",
Or your coven has 14 members, because we're "special",
If your ceremonial robes are from Armani,
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan

If you wear a tie at a skyclad ritual...
If you use caviar and champagne for cakes and wine...
If your quarter candles have tiffany lamp shades...
If you keep your book of shadows on a laptop computer....
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan

If your priest and priestess are named Buffy and Muffy...
If you use a Waterford crystal chalice and a sterling silver athame...
If your altar cloth has a Polo horse embroidered on it...
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan


33 Things NOT to do in Church

 

1) During Communion, when handed the wafers, declare
loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan."

2) When the minister invites the congregation to pray,
pull out a drum and start chanting.

3) Make change from the collection plate.

4) During the sermon, keep raising your hand.

5) Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard".

6) Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or
Southern Baptist venues)

7) While the rest of the congregation is singing
"Michael Row the Boat Ashore" try to start rounds of
"Row, Row, Row your Boat".

8) Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce.
If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey
mustard.

9) Vomit.

10) Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire
time.

11) Same as #10, but spontaneously sing The Vatican
Rag.

12) Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during
sermon. Laugh out loud.

13) Same as #12, but add Silly Putty.

14) Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.

15) Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint:
Bring your own soap)

16) Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired
lady sitting in front of you. Repeat often.

17) Tarot readings during Sunday School.

18) During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk
halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn
around and run, screaming frantically, until you're
outside.

19) After every hymn, during that brief moment of
silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"

20) Bring pets.

21) Pretend you don't speak English (or whatever
language is predominant)

22) Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an
entrepreneur.

23) Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.

24) Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand
up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional:
Repeat several times)

25) Bring your own incense.

26) Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during
communion.

27) Attend services in drag.

28) Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?"

29) Ask the minister, "But do you think God really
satisfied Mary?"

30) Announce loudly that in case of Rapture, you want
the pope's hat

31) Sing along with all the hymns in a snappy, Las
Vegas style

32) Two words: Super Soaker

33) One Word: Skyclad


A Christian Priest, a Rabbi, and a Pagan High Priestess


As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a Rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond. They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the Rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be out done by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.

While he's flailing around in the water, the Rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"


Conversation between the God and Goddess

Imagine the conversation the Creators might have had about this:

"Goddess you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff we started eons ago? We had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But, Lady, it's so boring. It's not colorfull. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it, Lady? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now, let me get this straight, Lady. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! Lady, I don't want to think about this anymore. Goddess, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind! I think I just heard the whole story."

 

Thank you GrotonWitch's Grimoire
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